Emotional Handicap

So I have this problem. I have what is called attachment disorder. You may know about it from experiments on monkeys with wire frame mothers versus cloth mothers. Or orphan children in Romania that suffer severe psychological damage because of lack of love and touch in infancy.

Some things happened to me when I was a little baby that were apparently pretty traumatic and that left a deep impression of insecurity and abandonment by people around me. It was a rough time in our family life for my mom when I was born, and there were long periods when I was left alone and my mom was unable to be as attentive as she would have liked. As we were sorting out some of my mom's medical problems the first year of my life, I was being cared for by different families in the ward at times, and was diagnosed with "failure to thrive". I didn't learn to walk until a later age because I would cling to my mom and didn't want to be put down.

I don't remember these things at all, and don't hold any grudge or resentment about it. I feel confident that my parents did the absolute best that they could. But I feel the effects of that first emotional experience every day of my life. And it affects everything else about me. I can hold on to confidence and emotional security for awhile. In good situations where I'm thriving, growing, learning, leading and I forget that I have this problem. But for as long as I can remember, it never permanently goes away. I need an incredible amount of emotional support to feel confident in life. And I fall apart when I feel abandoned or people leave me.

Hence, I'm a networker. I work very hard to keep up with people and gather people. There are always people in my life. I'm very rarely alone. I don't enjoy being alone. I plan my life around being around people, and progressing. Left alone without prospect or plan, I can't withstand the feelings of isolation and abandonment for more than a few hours. This is why moving, end of the semester, graduation, and break-ups are particularly traumatizing for me.

How long have I struggled with this anxiousness? As long as I can remember. And apparently even when I can't remember. As a baby's brain develops, the emotional center develops before the cognitive center. So from the moment a child is born, it is feeling and logging emotions. However, our cognitive center does not fully develop until age 3 or so. This is why most people cannot remember before age 3. This is also the time of an infant's life, especially between birth and 1 year,that are extremely important for emotional development. This is why, in Romania, for Orphan children who were fed, clothed and cared for but never touched or held would die. Children have a literally physical need for love and care that forms the foundation of their life and future perception of the world.

The earliest I remember feeling different from others in this way was high school. I remember being confused by my need to have people around and be involved. Having so much to do, but an inability to concentrate or do anything without connecting with others first was frustrating. I had a compulsion to plan. To gather together. To work and make it happen. Once everyone was there and the party was started, my anxiety would dissipate and then my other immediate needs would take over and I could concentrate on taking care of other needs in my life. But I was tired, I needed to do homework, and it was ridiculous to be socializing. It is like taking care of an infant inside, always having to soothe and calm when things flare up.


Why? Why these insecurities? I know I am an able, talented, and valued daughter of God. It is so frustrating to me! I rail against the emotional chains that bind me. I try to break them like a heroin addict. I pray about them. I hope for peace. I hope for a desire for solitude or an ability to feel alive on my own. On my best days, I can go for a whole day. On my own. And it is liberating! And productive! And I think, this is how normal people are! But I am not normal...

It slowly claims relationships. Those who once thought I was talented, independent and ambitious will come to see the insecurity and anxiety and all that was built in confidence and relationships quickly fades as my insecurity and dependence surfaces. It shifts the way they treat me. I lose my confidence. I act lame. And then it's gone. No relationship can survive codependence, healthily.

I am so sensitive, perceptive, overly concerned about others. Extremely aware of my short comings. Extremely envious of others' successful socializing and apathy to others. I want to be apathetic and self-sustaining. Why must I feel that there must be someone else in my life to be happy?

Emotional handicap or Opportunity to grow? Either way I'm working on it every day. So now you know.