Brandishing

In the late hours of the day, when all of the obligations are over, when all of the responsibilities relinquish their grasp, when all of the stress and anxiety dissipates and the world sleeps, peace and serenity slowly creeps into my life.

A certain gentleness floats on the air as I reflectively consider life. The crickets chirp contentedly outside. A cool breeze floats in the window. And I sit in my rocking chair and ponder, and am filled with love and peace.

This is my favorite time of day because I become soft. Soft is my favorite feeling, and I try to revel in it as long as possible, sometimes late into the night.

I’m convinced if I was always soft, my life would be significantly better. I would treat people with gentleness, patience and temperance. I would be my true and best self. I would feel the peace I need to confidently approach any problem.

It is in this soft place that I re-examine the difficult and hard things in my life. In this place where my heart can feel at peace and I find the grace and patience and long-suffering I need to endure the hard parts of life. I find deepened gratitude for the good things in my life. I remedy the unintended hurt I may have caused, examine those times when I was curt with someone, sarcastic, biting, or just less than pleasant, and try to determine why. In this place I search my soul and in humility seek for those things which I need to change. It is in this place tonight that I want to examine something that has been bothering me.

There is one word in my life that haunts me. It is a word that, even when used in passing reference, or even by implication, makes me wince. A word that I feel such venomous anger toward that it almost feels like a physical reaction. The word is inconsistency. As in, the inability to be consistent. The lack of integrity. Sporadic and unpredictable. Volatile. Undependable.

I hate these words. Especially because I sometimes feel that they embody who I am, and who I want to be rid of, forever. I feel like once I am consistent- when who I am embodies temperance, centeredness, integrity, discipline, predictability, dependability, that I will have conquered the world.

Now you can understand why I revel in softness and centeredness when it comes. I hope deep down in the deepest parts of my heart that this is truly who I really am. And, maybe if I’m a really good girl and I work really hard, through the Atonement, one day it will really be who I permanently am. Not just in the softness of the evening.

One thing I am good at is passion. I am consistently passionate. I feel things deeply and poignantly. And these feelings cause me to be reflective, to ponder, to search out, to think, to analyze, and to commit and devote my life to important things. Very few days go by that are unexamined or unintentional, and not devoted to the things I am most passionate about. I am a fully engaged person in all areas of my life. This passion helps others to feel passionate, and to become enthusiastic about important things.

But the dark side of passion is its volatility. How much I am affected by my strong emotions and the frustratingly sporadic and inconsistent nature of the sentiments I feel. My emotions are consistently inconsistent. And sometimes they are completely overwhelming. And all over the place. Especially in a relationship, I feel completely washed over by the experience. And it bothers me tremendously that I feel like I am sailing through a hurricane most of the time.

Especially when everyone around me seems to navigate similar paths, relatively unscathed or shaken. I, on the other hand, feel like I have to exercise all of my discipline to stay a steady course for longer than a few days.

How did everyone else turn out so...steady? Did you all just grow out of this at age 16? Or is it part of the blessing/curse of being me(read: emotional woman)? Or can we control the way we feel? If so, I seem to not have been able to get a handle on that in the last 30 years or so. Or do you just get better at controlling the way you respond?

I have friends who are as a calm as a summer breeze. All the time. Even-keeled. Tempered. Stable. Gentle. Consistent. These are words I covet. They are people whom I deeply admire. I want to be this way. I want to bless my husband with this experience. I don’t want to curse him with drama. So badly. I so badly don’t want to be the drama lady, while my husband just patiently endures (although I'm sure there's a fair amount of this in any marriage).

The other unfortunate poisonous combination with this passionate volatility is my rather critical and perfectionistic nature. This is a good thing in some aspects. It works well in academics and schooling. It works well on projects and quality of what I do and produce. It informs my intuition and perspective in ways many have never thought of. It pushes me to be constantly self-evaluating and aware of places to improve.

But when this becomes aimed at others, watch you. Now you wouldn't know this about me as a friend, roommate, acquaintance, or co-worker. That's because these exacting standards and critical perspective don't apply to you- usually. I am full of empathy, love, and patience for those who don't bother me. They only apply to me, and those who find a way into the inner chambers of my life, that disappoint or hurt me.

I have the opportunity right now to interact with someone who is very passionate, brilliant and volatile. She is admired by many and has talents and abilities that are unsurpassed. But the emotions and passion are deeply felt and at any given moment, they may fly off the handle and turn their anger or frustration at someone else. The criticism that comes is often very poignant and painful when directed at an unwitting provocateur, and it often leaves deep wounds. Brandishing this passion makes others hesitant to be close to or work with the individual, and often the tendency has led to many burned bridges and isolation for this individual.

I am recently the recipient of such bursts of emotional frustration and reactive volatility. Which is good in a sense because I am learning patience, to not return the same back, so swallow it and turn to turn it over to the Lord. If anything is teaching me to be a better person, it is this.

But even though I know that the sentiments are temporary and that inevitably it will pass (because, like me, I know the emotions will all be completely forgotten as soon as the burst of wrath is over) the injuries sustained are significant. It often takes quite a bit of recovery to get back on my feet and find the motivation to get up and try again.

It just dawned on me recently that the purpose of me being in this place in life right now is to learn how hurtful this can be, and to know how it feels so I understand that there is no justification in acting this way- regardless if you feel you are doing the world a better place by airing your informed opinion or offering feedback. I have a lot to learn so that I don’t similarly brandish my passion and emotions in a way that causes hurt to others.

Unfortunately, I’ve realized I've probably inflicted this experience on those who are close to me more often than I'd like to admit. When the stress mounts, when things get difficult, when others are disappointing, I give into my frustrations, disappointments, and air my unbridled criticism. Not in a loud,rude or uncontrolled way. But in very open and honest expressions of discontent. There is always a lot of thought behind it. But thus, it is also poignant and hurtful.

The good thing is, over time, I've learned to be patient and absorb and swallow those frustrations, to the point of not saying or doing anything in a critical situation. I am not often reactionary in big ways. I am pretty cool under pressure and can take a lot. But I am set to thinking about the problem. And if the problem is recurring,it is only a matter of time before the pressure mounts and the dam bursts. And then, it might as well be rude and violent and angry for the damage that results:

I realize I'm being a bit dramatic. (What you? Dramatic? I've never put those two together). The question is- what do I do? Is there a way that I can truly absorb these frustrations and negative emotions and not be bothered by them at all? Can I rid myself of that awful criticalness of others (and myself)? Is it reasonable to think that this turbulent, volatile, and unpredictable emotional experience will change? Or should I pray to just be able to navigate the stormy seas more effectively, and pray to find someone who is willing and able to absorb the occasional bursts? How do I bridle my passions?

What do you think?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.