Paradoxes and Life of Late

It took me awhile to write this conclusion to the entry on pride because it's taken me a long time to figure out the answers.

About a month ago, I started a journey- of recognizing my own pride and hypocrisy. I found what was to me, a startling discovery. The things that bothered me the most about other people pointed to my own weaknesses in a very precise way. When I felt like someone I was working with was stubborn, could only see one way of doing things, and wasn't willing to collaborate, I realized it bothered me because I was doing the exact same thing. When I chaffed against someone else's arrogance and need to be seen as an authority figure or lack of willingness to consider new thoughts and ideas, I came to see that it was because I was doing the same! The behavior that bothered me the most was that which least accommodated my own stubbornness, pride, insecurity and desire to do things my way. The behavior which most bothers me in others is the exact behavior that I often display.

Then I found this quote: "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding about ourselves." -Carl Jung

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it seems to be true for me. I think very often we have a hard time seeing ourselves correctly- it's hard to see both the good and the bad. We either over inflate ourselves and think we're pretty great (without being able to see the glaring problems that everyone around us can perceive), or we underestimate the good we're doing, feeling we are a total failure and over magnifying our weaknesses against others' strengths.

I want to see more clearly. To see things as they really are. And become who I really am supposed to be.

I'm still not sure if I will ever be able to see myself completely clearly or objectively. (Although I sure spend plenty of time in self-diagnosis). But being able to cue into the fact that I'm bothered by someone else's behavior, which is probably a reflection of my own, has helped me identify my own weaknesses and clearly see things that need to change. Where I become bothered by someone else, it is probably the exact area of my life that I most need to work on and I need to repent.

What an interesting paradox.

Another interesting paradox I've found is this: when I find myself in need and in the midst of a personal problem, my first instinct is to plead with the Lord to help me and then to seek ways to create change in my life to manage the situation. This is an important step. Yet lately, often the answers to my own most pressing problems are not found on my knees or by intentional trying to fix things for myself. Rather, and unexpectedly, the solutions are found in giving away the very things I think I most need to others- love, service, a smile, care and concern, inclusion, friendship, long-suffering, charity. Yet in the midst of my own self pity I often feel I'm too weak or broken to give anything. I feel I'm the worst candidate to reach out and care because I'm consumed with my own problems.

But somehow, when I think I am the least able to give anything more because I myself am suffering, it seems the Lord asks me to give a little more. And then, when I chose to, I am healed. When I don't, all my prayers and efforts on my behalf seem to be in vain.

I think subconsciously I've thought all along that when I would pray, sometimes for years, about a problem and receive no answers, He was being insensitive to my needs or ignoring them because they were unimportant. I think I subtly believed that I just wasn't working hard enough or my problems weren't important enough compared to whatever routine and insignificant work He was telling me to do- like one more visiting teaching visit to a girl who doesn't even want a visit, or caring enough about my calling to not take the easy way out. Yet in the very moment I give the last morsel of bread (to the thankless visiting teachee) and resign myself to starvation, I find reserves of energy, strength, love and confidence returned ten fold. And miracle of miracles, his children are served and loved through me in ways I couldn't and did not imagine I knew how to do.

Could it be that he's been giving me the answers I was seeking all along - trying to bless me with the very things I ask, but I've been unwilling to see or understand the answers because it's only to be found in serving others?

I've noticed that the answer to the prayer of how I can help someone else always comes immediately. Answers to prayers about myself do not. Could it be that the answer to my own problems lies in ministering to others in the ways I hope the Lord will minister to my needs and problems, and I just haven't been able to see it or willing to look up and be healed?

It seems to be the case so far. The Lord is asking me to look outside of myself, both to recognize how I need to repent, and how I need to be healed. Another case of a failure to look up and be healed.

Ok, down to some reality.
For those of you who don't know, I lost my job about 2 months ago, due to a major loss of funding in my organization. The irony of this is that I had expedited my graduation so that I could move out to San Diego and take on this position full time. And this was my dream job. I felt that I was really at my best, doing what I love, and gaining in confidence all the time that I could make a real difference in the world. I felt for the first time willing to invest my life in a job that I was passionate about. Right at the point of transition, I find my plans uprooted and unemployed. It's been a challenge figuring out what the Lord's plans are in all of this, and what he wants for me to do next.

However, what I am confident about now that I haven't always been in the past, is that I can trust the Lord. He is in control and he has a plan. And that plan sometimes includes wilderness places. I know there is a purpose and reason behind this unexpected wilderness in my life. You always have to travel through a wilderness before you get to the promised land. The level of misery along the journey is entirely determined by your attitude and perspective. So I'm going to be Nephi and Sam this time and answer "I will" and 'go and do', even if it takes multiple tries and failures and even when it seems I left everything good and valuable behind to wander in the wilderness. And as much as possible, I intend to continue in hope and faith that no matter how bad it gets, "The Lord is not slack concerning his promises, as some men count slackness." (2 Peter 3:9) and that he will lead me and consecrate the experience for my good if I have faith in him.

So if graduating, turning 31, being single and unemployed means I'm getting one step closer to the promised blessings, I'm glad to be on the journey.

I have been so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord all along the way. I have a wonderful bishop right whom I love and respect a lot and who cares deeply for me. He gives me the exact opportunities to serve that I need and blessings of comfort for my life. I've been blessed with wonderful work opportunities- including tutoring for a Korean family, that allows me to practice my Korean and remember how much I love that culture and the people. I'm glad (ironically) that I still have my thesis to work on from my other master's degree, to give me a sense of structure and a goal to work toward. I've been able to spend more time with my friends and family, including my grandparents doing family history. I can take time every day to connect with Heavenly Father and have a good scripture study. Every day I can take the time to care of my body through exercise and nutrition. And I have time to build relationships with friends, roommates, and those around me more. It's such a blessing to be able to direct the use of my time for good. I know it won't always be this way and I want to be thankful for the time while I have it.

But I'm still a little uncomfortable. I am, after all, graduated, single and unemployed. I have no idea what the future will hold. And occasionally I feel like, against all odds, I've completely flunked out of the system designed to keep me from this exact scenario. But you know, a little time spent in the poor house is good for you. Helps to trim the fat and sharpen the focus. Grateful I'm flailing a little less this time around.

And maybe I've figured a few things out this time around so I'll learn what I'm supposed to learn. And maybe I'll remember this time that the answers are found by looking out and up and not down and in.