I just feel like it's time for an update to my blog that's a little more....down to earth. Because sometimes we put on such a shiney happy exterior on on interwebs that I think it masks our humanity, and maybe people don't know that sometimes I have bad days because my status updates are filled with enthusiasm and zest- which is real, but also intersperesed with other real feelings that often aren't as easily seen.
So let's get for rizzle for a second. This last week was hard.
I think that for a time (like the last year and a half), in my newly wedded blissful haze, I have thought that all of my problems were behind me and ahead is just bliss and joy. Because there has been so much of that. And wonderful new beginnings that have allowed me to reinvent myself in the most positive ways- I feel like I'm finally doing all the things I've wanted to in my life. But this week I was reminded in a way that I haven't been in a long time, that I am human still, I am still me, and that I still have lots and lots of things to change.
First, let's talk about this bouncing bundle of joy in my belly. I am so very very excited we are expecting and feel like it's nothing short of the greatest miracle that has ever happened in my life. Generally my pregnancy has been so easy and problem free- and there's nothing not real about that. I had no morning sickness my first trimester, and generally have felt good and upbeat- not moody, not hungy, not crazy. Just normal- with a few weird quirks like having to pee all the time, and so happy to be expecting. It made me think all of those women who complain about pregnancy were being a tad dramatic. But about 3 weeks ago I came down with the stomach flu- which was the most miserable I can ever remember being. And shortly after that it was followed by a head cold- which never left. That means some pretty long nights of not breathing well and not sleeping. Coupled with the normal constant heart burn, leg cramps, hand swelling, carpel tunnel that sets in every time I lay down. However, I've finally come to the horrible realization that this last phase of sickness is the new normal at 24 weeks pregnant. So this is what everyone talks about. And it is a little rough. It leaves me a little frayed. Not sleeping does bad things to me. Including posting angry rants on Facebook at 2am about multi-level marketing that hurts the feelings of my friends. And feeling paranoid and depressed for no reason at times. And I feel like I can't breathe, pretty much ever. I feel like I'm swimming in a fish tank all the time, trying to pop my ears and just get a breath in. I'm all into nasal strips, essential oils and Tylenol Sinus these days. I can't live without these staples on an hourly basis. But not sleeping and other pregnancy hormones leads to things like short tempers, depression, and general not being 100%. Which means people are seeing my human side and mistakes and messiness I can usually keep all packaged up and pretty for the outside world. And it kind of breaks my heart to lose the veneer of having it all together all the time
Which leads to the next thing. I made some social blunders this week. I came to realize that in my enthusiasm, the way I've been interacting with some people in my gospel sharing has been unintentionally overbearing- ironically, much like the pressure that comes from friends marketing their products to me. Unintended but still very uncomfortable for them to say no, to the extent that they have said yes, but in reality haven't felt comfortable being honest with me and saying they are not truly interested. Finding out about this from a third party has made me very sad that I've made anyone feel like they couldn't be honest with me about their feelings (especially about the gospel) because I was too enthusiastic to notice they weren't really interested. I hate feeling like that. So as a result this week I've been super sensitive to the idea that I don't want to make anyone feel pressure to do anything they don't want to, or doing things that would cause unnecessary pressure. This has spread like a disease this week into all of my interactions and thoughts. It's made me wonder, are people being nice just out of social politeness but in reality they aren't really interested in things like being my friend, coming to my house, caring about my life?
Couple this with the fact I've been feeling a need to get out and be social again, which hasn't really been a need for the last year and a half or so- hello newly wed bliss? But now I'm realizing I want friends again. People to hang out with and do stuff with. So this week I tried to put together a little shin-dig for Michael's birthday. I thought it would be a good chance for us to spend some time with some friends and be social together. So I invited a couple of friends for dinner and a couple of friends for games- people we're comfortable with and really enjoy. And I am sure this was completely coincidental, but none of them got back to me. (This could also be due to Basin phone service not delivering messages, in which case I might find a lawyer to sue for emotional distress). But even so, I'm pretty sure this is my fault because it was such a casual invite and in my paranoia of not wanting anyone to do anything they don't want to, I didn't follow up with any details or to see if they would come- just waited to see if they would. And they didn't. :( This only exasperated the already paranoid feeling that no one wants to be my friend because I'm lame and everyone is just pretending to be nice and saying yes.
And finally, I prayed earlier this week to be shown things that I need to repent of and change to draw closer to Christ. That's probably the real kicker. Like praying for trials or to be humbled. Maybe I'm getting what I asked for? Which I suppose will be good in the end, but it sure does feel crummy in the meanwhile.
Today at church, I was reminded that part of drawing closer to God includes becoming more sensitive to our sins, feeling bad for them, and resolving to change.
One of my favorite scriptures is Ether 12:27- but there's a little haunting prelude to the part that most people love:
"If men come unto me, I will show them their weaknesses"
Before all of the grace is sufficient part, is the part where you become aware of your weaknesses, that your life isn't the shiney bubble-wrapped version that everyone else sees and that you truly believe in, that eventually figure the short comings will be manifest and others will see, and you feel bad. Just really....insufficient. I have so many high ideals and aspirations, and fall so short so often.
I'd like to end this post with a nice upbeat moral of the story. But the truth is, I'm just really glad this week is over, because all of this guilt and feeling bad and paranoia is exhausting and I'm just surviving. And maybe it's good for me to just admit that, to myself and to you. And that repentance is hard- and that life is just sometimes hard- and that's ok. And that sometimes, even though it seems like I'm outgoingly happy and fine all the time, there are times that I'm so hungry inside for a sign that you really care. Those little acts of thoughtfulness mean so much. I'm so grateful for all of those. And hopefully I get more comfortable with being uncomfortable soon because I think that's what repentance (and pregnancy and parenthood) is all about- learning to change gracefully. Here's to hoping next week is better!
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