December Pregnancy Update, Mortality, Mary and the Christmas Season

For some reason, the end of pregnancy is such a difficult time for my body. I feel like it's mortal combat and if I survive, I will be rewarded with a precious child- but there's a very real possibility I might not survive. I become very aware of mortality and how fragile life can be.With Levi the high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia meant spending lots of time in the hospital and weighing his well-being against mine as we approached his delivery date. The hope was to leave him in long enough to not be premature, but to get him out fast enough that I wouldn't suffer a stroke from having such high blood pressure all the time. It was a really miserable, stressful time, and I always went to the doctor, not knowing if I'd be coming home with a baby that day. Levi was born at 37 weeks, weighing 6lbs, and came home at 5 lbs. I won the prize.

Now with baby girl, gestational diabetes means ironically that she is growing faster than anticipated and may have to come early. Although I am 35 weeks today, she is already measuring at 6-7 lbs. Larger babies mean a greater chance of injury at birth for the baby (broken collar bones, for example) and the mother or a C-section. In addition, being sick with bronchitis and pneumonia has caused some concern that the baby might not be getting enough oxygen. Yesterday I spent 7 hours in the hospital doing tests to make sure she was moving, breathing, and doing ok.

With all of the sickness at our home this last month, being so pregnant, dealing with diabetes, and having a busy toddler at home, the word that best describes my life right now is overwhelmed. And the hardest part of being so physically weak is not being able to take care of my baby, my husband and my church responsibilities the way that I am used to. I feel too weak to do much more than sit on the couch but overwhelmed and guilty all the time by what I should be doing.

I had a small meltdown last night with my husband. I told him how I feel like I want to just fall apart but that's not an option. I have a little boy that's depending on me, and a very sick husband that's been down and out, and other people that are much sicker and have much greater hardships than I to deal with. There is no vacation time or pause button! Even if I get a few hours of respite, the responsibility is still waiting for me when I get back. Feeding, bathing, cleaning, caring. I just have to keep going, but sometimes I just don't know how. It seems just impossible. There have been many prayers lately to my Heavenly Father to just help me to be able to continue to bear my burdens well, to be strengthened to endure this pregnancy and to feel that I am doing my best.

This song about Mary has really spoken to me recently. I feel her tender feelings of inadequacy. I feel drawn to how overwhelmed she must have felt to be carrying the Son of God, and how alone she must have felt in bearing that burden, not understanding why she was chosen to do it. I wonder if she ever felt the true importance of what she was doing.

She pleads:
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

I know this prayer. I know these feelings of inadequacy. And I know the feeling of submitting finally to the reality that I cannot do it any more. Not knowing how I will go on. People always say that the Lord will not give you more than you can handle. I don't believe that. I don't believe that at all. I think that we are often given more than we can handle. Because that's often the only time that we finally realize that we need Him. That we literally cannot do it without Him.

So often I feel like there is no respite and no one that can lighten the load, but then Mary's humble plea reminds me that the very tiny child she carried is the true and only source of comfort. And that sometimes our burdens are actually the very means of salvation that God has given to us as a pathway to him. Even as this child is so difficult to bear, she will likely be one of the most important accomplishments of my life and will very likely be the very means of joy and salvation the Lord hopes to provide to me . Mary'sprayer reminds me that God can always help hold me together, be forever near me, and lighten my darkness. Why does it take falling apart to remember that sometimes?

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven

Here's to hoping we all survive the next few weeks. Merry Christmas