It's been 3.5 years. I will know how long it's been to the day, every day, for the rest of my life. My son came into this world just 1 day after you left. His life will always be a reminder and marker of the end of yours. But especially my daughter. Gosh, you would love her mom. She is SO affectionate. She would melt your heart with one hug. And she would hug you over and over and over again. Until it healed your heart. You would love her.
I think of you from time to time. Sometimes it's so overwhelming it brings me to tears. Like when it's Christmas and all the Christmas music makes the season feel so alive. You loved Christmas music. You always made music a part of my life- through singing around the piano, involving me in choir at church and school, taking me to performances. Now it's part of my life, and it doesn't feel like Christmas until I hear Handel's Messiah and go to a musical performance of some kind.
Or when someone comments on my status, "You've turned out to be such a beautiful person. Your mom would be so proud of you."
We just got a new van. I've been so hesitant to talk about it though. The money from your life insurance bought me my first new car when Levi was 6 weeks old and we broke down looking for a burial site for you in Bountiful. It was a huge blessing in what was already a very stressful time. Every day I drove that I felt grateful for a gift that blessed our life every single day. The van is the same. It's beautiful and reliable, and makes my life so much easier for me and my kids. It safely transports my family anywhere I want to go. And it's because of you. Because your retirement was gifted to your kids and every month we get a check that covers the payment- the exact amount. What a blessing. I'm sure you had no idea that you would bless my life in such a daily financial way, but it has been a huge blessing. Every time I drive I think of you and the blessing that vehicle is.
Well, we're expecting #3. Our kids have been spaced almost exactly like yours- Levi and Alida exactly 18 months apart. This one will be 2.5 years apart from the last. I know now why toddlers overwhelmed you. Esepcially dealing with depression. I deal with hormone-induced depression and anxiety in my pregnancies and life can become so overwhelming so quickly. Sometimes I want to check into a looney bin- just for the silence and for a good night's sleep. I have no idea how we'll do 3, but we'll figure it out. I think I have the benefit of some things you didn't- an awareness of how to get help when I'm struggling, and medication and supplements that help in a real way. And a husband that always makes sure I make it a point to take care of myself. I think you also tried all of those things, but I think there was so much suffering in silence as well, and times when those things didn't work. I'm sorry. I remember you spending hours on the phone with friends- just to try to feel connected to something and stay afloat. I would lay on your bed and pester you for hours, just trying to get your attention. I didn't understand. I just didn't know. I'm so sorry motherhood was so hard for you. I just had no idea.
If you were here, we'd probably be making plans to have you come stay for Christmas. Maybe you would have fulfilled your plan to move to St. George? And then we'd come visit you to get out of the snow. You'd have little knick=knacks and useless things for the kids, and they would love it. You would kiss them all over their cheeks while they pulled away from you. And you would love every single moment of it.
I wonder what you're doing up there. What are you learning? Who do you hang out with? How often do you look in on me? I would ask you questions if you were here about my childhood. How did I act? What problems did I have? When did I start being obstinate? And how did you not kill me?
Well, I'm going to a musical fireside with my hubby tonight. A rare treat. We got a babysitter and everything. He's not thrilled about it, but he knows it means the world to me. I know if you came with us you'd cry the whole time and sing your heart out. Wish you were here.
Miss you mom.
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