V-day gripes

"Can you keep a secret?"
"Nah......"
- Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

So, I've decided, despite the inherent risks, I'm just going to be honest on my blog. Sometimes I just need an outlet, to let it out. Not because it needs major attention or intervention. Just needs to get out.

That probably means a lot of whining and dramatics and incorrect thinking on this blog. But you know what, that's ok. Life isn't always polished, and certainly neither am I.We all need a forum sometimes to vent, and this is mine. But if you could keep it a secret though, that would be great.

So here's the thing. I feel my confidence slipping out of me. These last two weeks, something has begun to happen again that hasn't happened since Alaska: I dread waking up. And as soon as I'm conscious, my mind is flooded with worry and anxiousness. I pull myself out of bed and usually try to get to doing something as quickly as possible so I'm not left alone with my thoughts. But it means that something is deeply unsettling in my life. And I spend so much energy worrying about it, I don't think clearly and don't accomplish a lot of what I need to be doing. It's like working at half capacity, which is frustrating.



So while I want all my blog entries to be uplifting and inspiring, that's not how I feel right now. I feel a little hopeless. I'm 29 and I'm not where I ever thought I would be in my life. And that disappointment is overwhelming. And it seems like all the time I'm failing because I'm not there. But I don't feel like there's anything that I can do to change it! I care too much about it and it's awful. Well,  if I let myself think about it for long, there are a million reasons I can come up with why I'm where I'm at in life, instead of where I'd rather be and things I could do better. But sometimes I just feel like I'm fainting. Like I don't know how much longer I can go. Or what I'm supposed to do next.

It makes my sick to think about graduation and losing any semblance of structure or being part of this meager life that is built here. What am I supposed to do with my life? Where is my husband? Should I launch into career in DC or NYC? Continue education? Or am I just delaying and procrastinating a decision because it's easier to stay? Law school? I don't know.
All I know is the questions give me ulcers and take my peace. And I just don't know.

I feel like if I had more faith, this wouldn't be a problem. And maybe I would be more of a help to my fellow men rather than being a problem myself and always worrying. And I know I could be doing more and using my faith and potential to bless others and to head the voice of the spirit, and be lost in service and feel a complete confidence in the future. But I don't. I feel afraid of the future. and it almost paralyzes me.

I watched my friend Becky interact with such social grace and confidence tonight. All night long. I can do it in spurts of a couple hours. But there is no effort of acting on her behalf. She is consistently delightful through and through. By the end of the evening she had 3 invitations from different boys to do things I would love to do. It's not a show though. It's because she is grounded and lovely and not worried about others or herself. She's just herself. And sometimes I feel that way- like once in a blue moon. But most the time I feel like I'm bracing against the world and their harsh critiques of me. and it's awful.

there. that's all for tonight. all for this awful holiday that raises awareness of single hood. and bah humbug to feeling and acting awkward all the time. blah.