Extreme Need for Family Connections

"July 31st. Bob Wiley. Introductory interview. Multi-phobic personality characterized by acute separation anxiety and extreme need for family connections. Bill the usual rate for the interview and $29.95 for the book."

- What About Bob

I went to visit my grandparents last night and had such a lovely time. My aunt and uncle were also there and we all worked on a puzzle together and just relaxed watching the Olympics. It was so nice being in a home with family, I decided to spend the night.

And waking up this morning was so wonderful. My grandma was shuffling around reading the newspaper. The sun was coming lightly through the window. No alarms. No anixiousness. No unsettled stomach. No dreading the day. Just peaceful calm and the slow pace of a day with no hurries.

Now this doesn't mean that I didn't have alot to get done today and much that I should have started stressing about from the moment I woke up. But it means that, I woke up surround by family. And it was beautiful. My heart felt a peace and content that I haven't felt in a long time. The same peace and contentment I felt when holding Kathy's new baby and rocking her to sleep. And it lasted all day.

So I was feeling a little more confident when my FHE leader asked me to give the lesson today. Now one thing I've learned about myself is I don't do well in group settings- I feel self-conscious and can barely even speak coherently. But every now and then, in perfect circumstances, that disappears and I turn into a brilliant public speaker. And when I say now and then, I mean it's probably happened twice in my life. But I keep hoping.

Did it happen tonight? No. it did not. I gave my lesson and it was fine. But I definitely had to consciously remind myself to breathe. So silly. Especially since, mentally, I don't feel any reservation around these people. But somehow, I just turn into a retard around groups of more than 2 people. Except in very rare circumstances.

Now that's really unfortunate, especially for making new friends. No matter what the situation I very rarely feel comfortable in a social setting. Which means almost no one in my ward or any other social setting has seen the real side of me. Only awkward quiet Nicole wanting to come out and play with everyone else, but unable to do so. Which I think explains the majority of my dating life (or lack thereof). But get me one on one and I'm brilliant. One on one is not really the context of single life. That means for me, being single and constantly in new social situations all the time, I'm pretty much one big awkward social disaster. It may not look like it on the outside, but it feels like on the inside. Every time. I wonder if that will ever go away. Another reason I look forward to being married.