All the Single Ladies

I was very disturbed by an article in The Atlantic this week, about the state of marriage in America today and the depressing prospects for single women as the number of "marriageable men" decreases.

Here is a brief excerpt:

"For starters, we keep putting marriage off. In 1960, the median age of first marriage in the U.S. was 23 for men and 20 for women; today it is 28 and 26. Today, a smaller proportion of American women in their early 30s are married than at any other point since the 1950s, if not earlier. We’re also marrying less—with a significant degree of change taking place in just the past decade and a half. In 1997, 29 percent of my Gen X cohort was married; among today’s Millennials that figure has dropped to 22 percent. (Compare that with 1960, when more than half of those ages 18 to 29 had already tied the knot.) These numbers reflect major attitudinal shifts. According to the Pew Research Center, a full 44 percent of Millennials and 43 percent of Gen Xers think that marriage is becoming obsolete.

Even more momentously, we no longer need husbands to have children, nor do we have to have children if we don’t want to. For those who want their own biological child, and haven’t found the right man, now is a good time to be alive. Biological parenthood in a nuclear family need not be the be-all and end-all of womanhood—and in fact it increasingly is not. Today 40 percent of children are born to single mothers. This isn’t to say all of these women preferred that route, but the fact that so many upper-middle-class women are choosing to travel it—and that gays and lesbians (married or single) and older women are also having children, via adoption or in vitro fertilization—has helped shrink the stigma against single motherhood. Even as single motherhood is no longer a disgrace, motherhood itself is no longer compulsory. Since 1976, the percentage of women in their early 40s who have not given birth has nearly doubled. A childless single woman of a certain age is no longer automatically perceived as a barren spinster.

But while the rise of women has been good for everyone, the decline of males has obviously been bad news for men—and bad news for marriage. For all the changes the institution has undergone, American women as a whole have never been confronted with such a radically shrinking pool of what are traditionally considered to be “marriageable” men—those who are better educated and earn more than they do. So women are now contending with what we might call the new scarcity. Even as women have seen their range of options broaden in recent years—for instance, expanding the kind of men it’s culturally acceptable to be with, and making it okay not to marry at all—the new scarcity disrupts what economists call the “marriage market” in a way that in fact narrows the available choices, making a good man harder to find than ever. At the rate things are going, the next generation’s pool of good men will be significantly smaller. What does this portend for the future of the American family?"

Now as someone who is a bit obsessed with studying marriage trends and culture, I am quite familiar with all of the latest distressing trends concerning marriage and family. It also seems to be the lifestyle of some of the conservative folk I rub shoulders with to frantically run from one distressing trend to the next, declaring from the roof tops that the sky is falling, as demonstrated by all the gloom and doom around us. By default, I am usually one of the first ones to hear their rantings. All this to say, I am well aware of the dismal trends outlined in the article. However, that is not what caused me distress after reading this article.

What disturbs me is the subtle and dangerously wrong solution the author posits for all the angst that is created by holding onto the ideal of marriage and family life.

"But this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family—and to acknowledge the end of “traditional” marriage as society’s highest ideal.... In her new book, Unhitched, Judith Stacey, a sociologist at NYU, surveys a variety of unconventional arrangements, from gay parenthood to polygamy to—in a mesmerizing case study—the Mosuo people of southwest China, who eschew marriage and visit their lovers only under cover of night. “The sooner and better our society comes to terms with the inescapable variety of intimacy and kinship in the modern world, the fewer unhappy families it will generate,” she writes. "

Do you see what is happening here? I hear this kind of slippery rhetoric often from those who don't understand why I and others are distressed by the breakdown of marriage and family in society. In brief, it goes something like this. "Marriage is becoming a thing of the past, and in all reality, not feasible for many people. It is not only unrealistic, but heartless to deny people validation of the love, support they receive from alternative sources. Everyone is doing the best they can to love and be loved, given their circumstances. Why don't we stop beating people over the head with the archaic marriage ideal, and embrace compassion and reality to strengthen whatever form of supportive relationships people can find. This is the new American family."

Here in lies the rub. If we destroy the ultimate goal to embrace the reality as the ideal, we lose everything. If we throw out marriage, to help people feel less discriminated against or more comfortable in its absence, we loose the entire hope of humanity.

A Case Study: My Life

I think I am a glutton for punishment because my life is a passionate living witness of the importance of marriage and family in society, while I myself daily feel personally separated from these goals in my life. But I wouldn't trade all the angst and occasional sadness at the absence of these things in my life for all of the ignorant contentment in the world. I want to be able to strive for something beautiful, even when it's painful to feel the discrepancy between the reality and the ideal.

My dear roommate got married this weekend. Marriages of good friends are always bittersweet. Bitter because a person who has become such a dear part of my heart is leaving, and in a very real way, it feels like my little home is being broken and my own little single-life family being torn apart. Sweet because I believe in marriage with my whole heart and I know where they are going is so beautiful. Being single and 30 means that I have spent a lot of time with roommates. I've had over 60 roommates in the last 10 years, most of which I have witnessed fall in love and get married. And if you know anything about me, you know that I invest in the relationships around me. These roommates, almost without exception, have become like family to me.

Watching dear friends go through the process of dating, courtship, engagement and marriage is beautiful. It is inspiring to watch eternal families form, and renews in me the reality and beauty of the gospel. But it also draws a very stark line between family and friends. This can always be a bit turbulent for me, as my heart often doesn't understand why there has to be a difference. I truly feel as if these friends have become family. I shared meals with them, created a home together, spent time together, worked together, laughed and cried together, shared our hopes and dreams and sorrows together. But there is a difference. As much as my little mother-hen heart wants to make a permanent family out of my temporary circumstances, these friends are in fact not permanent family. Why not? What is the difference?

I think Elder Ballard said it best: "What matters most is what lasts longest, and our families are for eternity." All other relationships, while very important, are not as important as family. Family lasts longer.

I want to be clear that I am so grateful for the many bishops, roommates, friends, classmates, teachers, mentors, and leaders who have filled in the space of "family" for me in my heart. I know in the last 10 years that I would not have been able to survive without the love and care and family-like relationships I have formed with those around me wherever I have gone. They have been my family when I had none and in a very real way, cared for the sick and the widowed and fatherless. These friends are the best family I have had for most of the last 10 years of my life. But I would no sooner trade the dream and hope for my own permanent eternal family one day than I would wish that my roommates remain unmarried and still living with me as permanent single friends for the rest of their lives. In this transition between my family of origin and my family of formation, friends are in a very real way my family. But they are my temporary family. This is my temporary home. And although I will continue to love those around me unreservedly, and be sad when they depart from my life, it will be tempered by the knowledge that I too have the promise of a permanent, lasting and eternal future family in store. No matter how long it takes, and how long this "temporary" sage lasts, I will still hold on to the promises I've been given and wait on the Lord for my eternal family dreams to come true.

Generations Uniting
It has been such a privilege for me to live with roommates that come from strong and loving families. I have learned so much from them about what I hope my family can be like. My two roommates, Lisa and Carrie, are cousins. Their mothers are sisters, and they come from a large family of 10 siblings, with 60 cousins just on this side of the family. The 10 siblings and their families are all close to each other, and all have beautiful big families. All the siblings and their children are all active in the church, and are at the stage in their family lives where over half of the 60 cousins are married, and the other half are in the process. For Lisa and Carrie, being part of such a big and loving intact family means lots of family interaction. Bridal showers, birthday parties, lunches, daily phone calls to family, weekend visits, family sleeping over, nieces and nephews to play with, family trips, holidays. You know, family life. It's beautiful. But I admit living with them at times felt like a study of being a third-wheel in the continuous family party that happens in a close family like theirs. I felt almost daily the strong and powerful influence of family in their lives, and as a contrast, the absence of close family ties in mine.

If my roommates have learned anything from me, I hope it is that the gift of a loving, close family is the greatest gift they have, and it should be cherished. It has been so fascinating to watch two people function so completely independently of outside friends and support because of how rooted and grounded they are in the love and support of their family. Now of course, they need friends and leaders and classmates and peer support as well. But the need is different. They are much more resilient to the ups and downs and changes in location and life and education happening around them because of the constant and reassuring love that is constantly coming from their family.

This weekend I had the privilege of being able to attend Lisa and Matt's wedding dinner. I think in a packed room of over 100 people, I was one of 3 non family members. Lisa's immediate family is incredible, her siblings all have glowing eyes, and her father is currently a Stake President in Idaho. What is incredible about this couple is that Matt's family is very similar to Lisa's. Very strong spiritual leadership, very happy and loving sibling relationships, all strong in the gospel. What I saw with the marriage of these two individuals was much more than two people falling in love. It was the uniting of generations and the binding of two beautiful families. It was a community of family. It was majestic and beautiful. In front of my very eyes I felt I witnessed a fortress of spiritual protection, love, and permanence circling around this couple. And it became very clear to me the difference between family and friends. Families are united over time and throughout generations, through sacred covenants and spiritual power. They have the power to love, unite, and care for individuals over time that no other relationship does. And the joy, the peace, and the safety that comes from that kind of relationship far surpasses any temporary arrangement or alternative family form, no matter how good. This is the dream that cannot die.

Now whether Lisa and Matt truly understand they strength and good fortune they inherit having come from such a majestic family legacy, I am not sure. I'm sure the blessings and joy of their own future family legacy will grow in time. But what I do know is that such marriages and family life approach closer to heaven than anything else on this earth. And I will continue to pray, to read, to write, to research, to advocate for, to do whatever I can to help assure that myself and as many of God's children as possible may one day be able to benefit from the kind of lasting joy and strength of family that comes from such marriages and families. There is nothing in this world that compares to the joy that comes from loving family. And that means holding on to the dream and the ideal, even amidst the disheartening reality. Even as the contrast becomes more stark and poignant, we must not lose sight of the goal, the joy, and the purpose of the plan that God has for His children.

So no, Judith Stacy. The sooner we come to grips with the inescapable variety of intimate relationships and modern family form is not the sooner we will start having happy families. The gospel is the answer to happy families- both to their creation, and to their healing when things are not ideal. And that is both a dream and a reality I can place my eternal happiness on.

The end.