The Other Prodigal

Recently one of my friends and I had a miscommunication. This friend is one of my best friends and we have known each other for a long time. We are good friends, not because of how similar we are or how easy our relationship is, but because we value the same things and because of how much we have worked through together. Sometimes I think we are complete opposites. But our relationship is priceless to me.

As a side note, I'm beginning to see that at the start of any relationship, there are feelings of excitement at all you have in common with someone else and how similar you are and how easy it is to be around them. However, as you grow closer and natural differences become apparent, you may begin to think you are as different as night and day. The reality is your similarities haven't changed and you probably have more in common than not. What has changed is your closeness with another human being and the challenge of working together with someone who has entered your personal space doing things their way, when you were used to doing things your way. As you come closer to the soul of another dynamic human being, you begin to see things you couldn't see or experience before that inevitably feel different.

Two people can in fact be very very similar in the important and big ways, but any time you bring any one area of someone's self into sharp focus and comparison with yourself, it can seem that the small differences are bigger than bigger similarities. This will be the case with any two people, because there are no identical people in the world and because working together to build a relationship takes work. But the differences are just an indication that you are coming to know a unique soul better, rather than altered reality of suddenly having nothing in common. It is an invitation to invest and work together. While discovering differences, remembering and incorporating the vision of your commonalities is vital to the health of the relationship. Also, sometimes "differences" are really similarities masquerading around as differences because you see your own weaknesses the most clearly in others.

Anyway, while trying to understand why I was reacting with such resistance toward this good friend, I spent hours in meditation and writing and thought trying to see what it was about who she was and what she was doing that created the situation. In working together on a common goal, I felt she was so strongly convinced that her perception of the problem was correct that I didn't think she was listening to my opinion, that was different from hers. She was so busy looking for her own solution to the problem that we were all working on that she didn't have the time or desire to seek out and incorporate my perspective. She wasn't hearing me. I felt ignored and under-valued. Imagine my surprise when she said she felt the same things about me. Huh.

Around the same time, I had another similar interaction with another friend. This situation is a little different because this friend and I had at one time been in a dating relationship. Trying to negotiate what a friendship looks like after is tricky and we have experienced the inevitable bumps and turns that come along that path. In our interactions he wrote me a letter about my behavior and dynamics that made it difficult for him to connect with me. That I was not seeing who he was or understanding his intentions correctly. Ironically, I felt almost exactly the same- the he was not quite able to see or appreciate who I was outside of who he wanted me to be. It seemed to me that he most clearly saw the weaknesses in me that might have similarly to his own, without recognizing it, and was quick to criticize.

Amidst both of these experiences, I ran across this quote: "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding about ourselves." -Carl Jung

Huh. Is it a coincidence that I am irritated by and learn the most from those who are actually very similar to me? That our "differences" are not differences at all, but sometimes are my own weaknesses that I am seeing play out in the other person? That such differences are meant as an opportunity to learn and grow, not separate and condemn?

Why are these similarities so hard to see and correct in ourselves but so easy to identify in others? Why can I not learn more directly from them or to do them exactly what I hope they would do to me? Why do I resist or ignore their direct feedback instead of seeking out after and learning from their perspectives?
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I recently finished reading a short book about the parable of the prodigal son, that is reminiscent of Elder Holland's talk on the subject. The emphasis of the book wasn't the younger brother who went and squandered his inheritance and then returned to his father; it was the older brother- the other prodigal son. The author emphasizes that both of the sons are lost and alienated from the father's love, but only one of the sons knows it.

The elder brother is not alienated from the father by his overt sins. In fact, because he "never disobeyed" the father, he felt entitled for things to go the way he thought they should, and to receive all the glory and honor. He had earned his keep through years of obedience and resented his younger brother receiving love and riches despite his flagrant sins and riotous living. Thus, at the feast of the father, elder brother was not kept from enjoying the fulness of his father's feast of love because of what he had "done wrong" but because of his pride in his own moral rectitude and disgust in his fathers' award system.

"Elder brothers" base their self-image on being hardworking, morally elite, extremely smart or disciplined people. This inevitably leads to feeling superior to those who don't have those same qualities or achievements. In fact, competitive comparison is the main way elder brothers achieve a sense of their own significance in their "self-salvation" project.

The author continues, "Religious people commonly live very moral lives, but their unconscious goal is to get leverage over God, to control him, to put him in a position where they think he owes them. Therefore, despite all their ethical fastidiousness and piety, they are actually rebelling against his authority. If, like the elder brother, you believe that God ought to bless you and help you because you have worked so hard to obey him and be a good person, then Jesus may be your helper, your example, even your inspiration, but he is not your Savior. You are serving as your own Savior."

The book goes on to identify a a desire to control that is rooted in a deep insecurity as the core problem with the elder brother. "As long as you are trying to earn your salvation by controlling God through your goodness, you will never be sure you have been good enough for him. One sign of this is every time something goes wrong in your life or a prayer goes unanswered, you wonder if it's because you aren't living right in this or that area.

Another sign is that criticism from others doesn't just hurt your feelings, it devastates you. This is because your sense of God's love is abstract and has little real power in your life. You need the approval of others to bolster your sense of value. Elder brothers have a deep insecurity that makes them overly sensitive to criticism yet fierce and merciless in condemning others. What a terrible condition. Although the younger brother knew he was alienated from the father through his sins, the elder brother does not realize that he is also separated from the power of the father's love. That's why his lostness is so dangerous. Elder brothers don't go to God and beg for healing from their condition. They see nothing wrong with their condition and that can be fatal."

Are you feeling a little uncomfortable yet?

This pointed diagnosis has coincided with my personal study of Alma 5 this week. Here, Alma, both the head of the church and the chief judge, is fed up with the wickedness of the church members,and "seeing no way that he might reclaim them save it were in the bearing down in pure testimony against them" goes out to humble the prideful church members. I imagine that the people he is addressing are the kind of "elder brother" types the previous author spoke of- unaware of their own lostness because they are safely abiding within the house of the father.

He goes first to remind them of the conditions of being saved and the grounds of hoping for salvation is faith on the word of God, and then living by faith so that a mighty change of heart may occur. He reminds them of their recent deliverance (not more than a few years ago!), when their fathers were "in the midst of darkness" but he "delivered their souls from hell". Their hearts were changed, they were awakened from out of a deep sleep and they awoke unto God. Their fathers were in "hell" because they didn't know about God and his gospel. When they heard the word of God, they were awakened to his goodness and mercy through faith on his name.

Then Alma asks the church members, "If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"

1. Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble?
2. Behold, are ye stripped of pride?
3. Behold, is there one among you who is not stripped of envy?
4. Is there one among you that doth make a mock of his brother, or that heapeth upon him persecutions?

"Wo unto such an one, for he is not prepared, and the time is at hand that he must repent or he cannot be saved. Yeah, even wo unto all ye workers of iniquity; repent, repent, for the Lord God hath spoken it!" (Alma 5:31)

Did you catch that? He just called these members of the church "workers of iniquity". But wait- they have been baptized! They go to church each Sunday! They aren't doing anything wrong! And yet the solemn proclamation:

"O ye workers of iniquity; ye that are puffed up in the vain things of the world, ye that have professed to have known the ways of righteousness nevertheless have gone astray, as sheep having no shepherd."

Oh dear. I think he may be speaking to me.

"And now my beloved bretheren, I say unto you, can ye withstand these sayings? yea, can ye lay aside these things, and trample the Holy One under your feet? yea, can ye be puffed up in the pride of your hearts? yea will ye still persist in the wearing of costly apparel ad setting your hearts on the vain things of the world, upon your riches? Will ye persist in supposing that ye are better one than another? yea will ye persist in the persecution of your bretheren, who humble themselves and do walk after the holy order of God (converts? return prodigal sons, those who have lived different lives but have returned to the church for healing?)"

It turns out that we are pretty good at withstanding sayings that are meant to call us to repentance. Ignoring our own weaknesses and seeing them lucidly and clearly in others. Feeling compelled to prop up our own goodness while identifying, tearing down and otherwise persecuting those who display the very character flaws we have, but keep so carefully wrapped in facades of goodness. I think we often have an "us vs. them" mentality when we read the scriptures about "wicked people" or those who are being called to repentance. "Thank goodness we're not those wicked people! They were bad bad people." When I read this chapter again this week, especially after thinking about the elder brother, my interactions prideful interactions with those who are close to me, and my own ignorance to my sins, I remembered that this sermon is pointed directly at me. Alma is talking about my pride. My envy. My lack of humility. My criticism and persecution of others. My deep sleep, where I am unaware of God and His goodness, and my dependence on him to change my life, rather than my own merits and achievements.

To be continued...