I've struggled to know what to say for this occasion. You don't imagine when you're 34 years old that you will bury a parent. In fact, you spend time wondering what your relationship will be like with them as grandparents and you getting your turn as a parent. It’s difficult to imagine my adult life without my mom around for the rest of it.
But in a way I am very grateful to be able to commemorate mom. The last few years of mom's life in some ways were focused on the negative as I learned how to cope with some of mom's actions and decisions that were hard for me. At times it's felt like there's been little room to focus on the good, as I’ve been on the defense for the bad. For years I've longed and prayed for ways to love my mom and be appropriately close to her and to be able to trust her. I've wanted for years to be able to build a positive and healthy relationship with my mother, and although this is certainly not the circumstance that I imagined, her death has allowed me to finally be able to focus on the good and be able to commemorate and memorialize those things about her that I want to remember. Many miracles have come to pass as a result of her passing, and part of me thinks the Lord is using the opportunity to soften hearts, to reconnect family, and to allow healing of many old wounds.
So today I want to share some of the positive memories I have of my mom, and celebrate her goodness.
My mom married her high school sweetheart when she was 19 years old. Dad was in school at BYU and they were dorm parents there when David came along. When he was only 6 months old, mom became pregnant with me. And so in a small trailer, my mother took on the challenge of 2 children under the age of 2. Being a mother of an infant now, I can appreciate how hard it must have been to have two small children so close in age. After dad graduated from BYU, the four of us moved to Finley Ohio where Jonathan was born, 3 years behind me. Soon after, dad was transferred to Midland, Texas where I spent my childhood. My days were filled with playing out in the yard with my brothers and the neighbor kids, horney toads, ally ways, games, guinea pigs and carefree play with neighbor friends. At age 11 we moved to Houston Texas where I went to middle school, jr. high and highschool and spent my last years at home, until I moved to Utah to attend BYU at age 18. Through those 18 years, mom was always at home, and the family was her whole life. She cooked, cared for, clothed, cleaned, played taxi driver, supported, cheered, put on parties, prayed for, read scriptures, taught the gospel and loved all of us, and anyone who entered our home.
I remember when I was probably 5, laying on my parents bed and waking up from a nap to smell the delicious aroma of dinner cooking on a Sunday evening in Midland. It warmed my whole body and soul with happiness. For me one of the best feelings in the world was when the house was filled with the smell of home cooking. It felt like everything was right in the world when mom was cooking family dinner and we were all home together. My mom used to make cooking and family meals a big priority for our family. We always ate dinner together and later when we started going to school, she would get up early and make us hot meals- oatmeal, eggs, or whatever. I remember often coming home to after school snacks. For special occasions like our birthday we got to pick our favorite meals. I loved her BBQ chicken and remember her sloppy joes. Mom loved her family through the food she made.
Mom taught us the importance of spending time together as a family. We would all get up early and have scripture study and family prayer every morning. I mean every morning. And although we moaned and complained about it a lot, it was in those early mornings that I gained my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We had family home evening and mom would use a flannel board story kit to teach us about the Bible and Book of Mormon stories. Mom loved the scriptures, loved the words of the prophets and loved the church. She passed this on to us by spending time teaching us the gospel. We would go on bike rides together as a family. Some of our favorite outings were going to Sonic to get an ice cream cone. We thought that was the best thing in the whole world, to get ice cream with mom and dad. Mom made sure we spent time together as a family and learned the gospel together as a family.
My mom loved her friends- and they loved her, with a fierce loyalty. One of the first memories I have of my mom is that of her talking on the phone with her friends. When I was a little girl I remember lying in her bed, seemingly for hours, trying to get her attention or waiting for her to make a meal or something, but she would be on the phone. So I would wait and wait and wait and listen to her laugh and talk with her friends. She would laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. She was always on the phone! I remember thinking she must be really popular because she was always talking on the phone with her friends, and they just seemed to think she was the funniest person ever. She always had very loyal friends- and many of them because she had a way of making people feel comfortable and loved.
You can't talk about mom without talking about how much she loved her kids. She loved us to death. She loved her kids more than anything in the world. She was always trying to hug, hold hands and kiss us- and we were always trying to get away from her. I remember always trying to push her away as she would be kissing me on my cheek. When I was 12 I decided I was too old to hold hands with my parents in public anymore and my mom was sad about that. If she had her way, even up until she died, she would have hugged and kissed us all day long. She loved her kids. She would brag about us and talk about us all the time to everyone. When David left for his mission to South Africa I think her heart broke in a way that she never quite got over. We were her whole world and to watch her children leave home was almost too much for her. We defined her life and mom didn’t know what to do when we left. It left a hole in her heart. Mom loved her kids more than anything in the world.
But above and beyond her children, mom was just a loving person. She just loved everyone unconditionally and wanted to be everyone’s best friend. I remember always being embarrassed of her talking to everyone in public and in the super market and everywhere she went. We were always the last ones to leave church because mom was talking to everyone. She made friends and talked to people everywhere she went. She was always looking out for the person on the fringes of a group, the outcast, or the person who had no friends. She didn’t seem to notice that they were “outcasts”. She just pulled them into her love. She had a special kind of compassion for those in need. She invited people into our home on many occasions, for help and love and mothered many.
Mom always wanted to have a closer relationship with her family- both her kids and her brothers and parents, and never stopped trying to repair and build relationships if there were rifts or distance. She was a very sentimental person and cherished even the smallest acts of love and keepsakes. She kept albums and albums of pictures and cards and was always trying to take family pictures- which we as kids hated. She ordered sheets and sheets of extra pictures of us every school year and I always wondered why. Now I take about a million pictures of my child every day and I understand.
16 years ago- my senior year of high school, she met Lisa online and moved out to Missouri to live with her. David was on a mission in Africa, I was a freshman at BYU, and Jonathan was finishing high school. She divorced my dad and left us kids wondering what our family was now without mom around. It was a hard time for our family. But despite wanting to hate Lisa for what she symbolized to our family, Lisa was a wonderful, kind and loving woman. Although neither of them condoned their lifestyle together, they helped each other with the unique emotional needs they each had and built a life together in Missouri. Lisa was her best friend and she loved her very much. Mom fulfilled her lifelong dream in Missouri by finishing her college degree and becoming a Spanish teacher. Mom was passionate about Spanish and all languages. She had a gift for languages. She loved teaching and loved her kids. She loved the kids she taught like her own and they filled part of the hole that we left in her mother heart. She loved her job. Her and Lisa also bought a boat and spent many weekends fishing. Mom loved the water and was thrilled to finally own a boat. She loved the outdoors and the beauty of nature. She loved spending time with Lisa’s grandkids that called her Grandma Mar. She loved them with all of her heart and waited with eager anticipation for the day that she would have grandkids that she could love on and be close to.
Lisa unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack in December of last year at the age 53. Lisa's death left mom in shock, not knowing quite what to do or how to mourn. I worried about her a lot when Lisa passed and worried about how she would cope. However, I saw in her a determination to persevere, to rebuild her life, and make right the things she had wanted to for a long time. Shortly after Lisa died, she said to me on the phone, “I wish people would have more faith in me. Everyone’s worried about me but I’m going to make it.” I remember feeling she really had grown up a lot and had become much more independent and strong than I had given her credit for.
The first thing my mom said when she called to tell me Lisa had died was, "I want to come back to the church. I'm ready now. Lisa was the only thing holding me back, and now that she's gone, I want to come back to church.". And so she reached out to the bishop of the local congregation. She began attending church again and studying the gospel. She loved studying the gospel again with the missionaries and was humbled that the Lord was willing to welcome her back with such quickness. In a blessing she received she was told that she had been forgiven of her past and that she didn't need to continue to torture herself. She marveled that although she had "been living in sin" for so many years, that the Lord could and would forgive her so immediately. She hardly believed it was possible- but that’s what the Atonement does. She was the prodigal son returning, expecting punishment but instead receiving grace and mercy. She bore her testimony to me several times and talked about how she didn't realize how much she had left behind, and how grateful she was to have the Spirit in her life again. And knew the Spirit was helping to change and heal her. She felt like an infant learning to walk again. She took all of the missionary discussions and looked forward to church each Sunday to give her a boost. Her home and visiting teachers came to check on her often and give blessings. She wrote a letter to the First Presidency requesting rebaptism into the church and had her heart set on having her temple blessings restored. I was truly amazed with the zeal and change of heart that mom was undergoing, and felt that it was truly sincere. My mom was headed in the right direction.
However, I know in the months after Lisa passed, that my mom still struggled with feeling isolated, purposeless and disconnected with Lisa gone. On the 6 month anniversary of Lisa's passing, mom began to reminisce about her best friend and how alone she was. She spent a lot of time alone once school was out, and it was easy to give in to thinking about Lisa. I think this is when she truly started to grieve, and on a particularly hard day, the sadness was overwhelming.
Many of you know that my mom chose to take her own life. In a note she left, she simply wrote, "It's too hard. Nicole, do my temple work for me. I love you all.", and within hours, she was gone. A couple of hard days and some clouded judgment and one bad decision, and she was gone forever.
I want to say a little something about guilt. I’ve noticed almost across the board that as soon as a loved one found out about mom dying, they immediately felt guilt and regret and wish that they would have done more- as if they were responsible or they could have somehow prevented the tragedy - thinking if we would have only done a little more, she would still be with us. But I know that this guilt is misplaced- this was no one’s fault and wouldn’t have been prevented- there would have been another moment or another time. It was her choice. I have also felt the peace and reassurance that the Lord knew far in advance that this would happen. He could have intervened, but he didn’t. It was her time to return to Him and be healed. I know that she is finally in a place where she can be freed of the earthly chains that emotional problems that so tortured her, and feel rest.
Because of the way my mom died, it has left me with some worries and sadness. I worry that people will remember her more for the way she died than for the way she lived. Her death was not a reflection of her life. It was simply a bad decision in a moment, with very permanent consequences. I worry that people will stop talking to me about her because they're afraid or embarrassed, and she'll be forgotten. But I hope people will continue to tell me about their happy times with mom and bring her up and keep her alive through the years. Because of how she died, I’m not sure what that means for our eternal family, or how everything will work out in the end. I'm sad that she never had a chance to meet my child, and that my children won't have the opportunity to have her as grandma. I am sad that her and I won't be able to build a renewed relationship now that I am a mother and understand her so much better.
While I think I will grieve about the loss of my mother for the rest of my life, there are some things that I do know that bring me comfort.
The late Elder Bruce R. McConkie, formerly of the Quorum of the Twelve, expressed what many Church leaders have taught: “Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” (Mormon Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 771; some italics added.)
I know that God is our Father, and her Father, and that He is intimately aware of her struggles and hardships, and the challenges she faced in her life. He loves her perfectly and can heal her heart in a way that no one else could. He knows of her desire and determination to be good and valiant, and the years of guilt and sorrow she suffered for her mistakes. He loves her and has not given up hope on her.
I feel confident that when she left this life, she was greeted by the loving arms of her ancestors- great grandma Mary Ouzounian and Opa- relatives she loved and admired. I know that where she is now she can feel a sense of peace and rest, and feel enveloped in the loving arms of friends and family that have gone before her. I know she will have the opportunity to repent, change, and continue her journey and spiritual progress. I know I will have the opportunity to see her again and to build a loving relationship with her. I know she is near, and undoubtedly will be watching over me and my family throughout the years.
I know these things are true and possible because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Truly we are all lost and fallen in this life, but the plan of salvation provides us an opportunity to repent and change, and have our sins forgiven and our weaknesses and broken hearts healed. I know that this plan continues after this life and that there is life after death. I am so grateful for our Savior Jesus Christ. Because of Him I find comfort in the midst of tragedy and know that my mom still lives and is taken care of. I know that He lives, and because of Him, we too shall live again. That there is life after death. Life, and love and joy and second chances and family. I know that is true. And I know that he can heal my family. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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