Bill the homeless man

**Warning- Long post full of dialogue, mostly to help me remember how I felt as I spoke with the homeless man. This Mormon Message does it in 3 minutes. I take several pages***


I sat on the bench at the subway in Philadelphia, around midnight on Friday evening. I just got off the bus from New York and was en route to a hotel a few blocks away.

He comes and sits down and observes my position resting my head on my backpack. A big black man with big hands , half closed eyes, and yellow teeth to contrast his dark lips and skin.

"Had fun?"

"What's that?" I look over with apprehension, wondering if he's talking to me and how I should respond to a strange black man in the subway at night.

"Did you have fun?"

"I um, well, no I just got here."

"Oh, where are you coming from?"

"New York." I wonder if I should lie, or make something up, or run away, but mostly I just answer disinterestedly. I wonder if he's drunk or if I should be scared.

"Oh. What they got going on here?"

"A conference. But I'm on route to DC"

"What you going to do in DC? Be a politician?" Really not wanting to engage in any discussion, let alone a political discussion, I really look for a way to be cordial but not cold.

"No, I don't think so. Just try to make the world a little better."

"What's your issue? What do you believe in?"

"Marriage and family"

"How are you going to get people to do that?"

"Well I don't want to force anyone, I just think if people have good principles, they can make good choices for themselves. Just want to give out good information".

"Well if you get enough people to like you, then you can get them to do anything"

"Well, I don't know if that will happen, but we'll see". Again, trying to deflect conversation, I kind of turn away again.

"Why don't you just get married and settle down?" How ironic that this stranger has cut to the heart of the issue so quickly.

"That is the golden question. I'd like to. But until then, I'll try to make it a little easier for those who are married with families".

At this point the train comes, and he continues to ask me where I'm going and how far down the line. Again I try to be vague and just walk off. He follows me on the train.

Somewhere between sitting on the bench and getting on the train though, I begin to feel that I'm safe in this public place, and I can probably engage in conversation with him.

So I ask, "Where do you live?"

"I'm free. I'm not tied down, you know? It's the good life. The American dream! I'm free." I realize then that, what he was saying is, he's homeless. But he seems happy, and I wonder if it's from alcohol or some other influence. After a minute I decide to ask.

"Are you happy?" I ask. And look at his eyes a little more intently.
He thinks for a minute and his old face gets a little frumpled.

"You know, it has its drawbacks. It's got drawbacks."
I thought how ironic it was that this total freedom left this man without many choices at all. I felt this was kind of profound analogy - that all our clamoring over freedom can very easily unravel our foundation of security.

My stop was quickly approaching and I was planning my escape, and to give him the $20 of subway coins I accidentally just bought- hoping if that's what he wanted, he'd leave me alone after.

"Well, (as I get up to go) I'll see you later." and hand him the coins.

"Oh, I'll go with you. Wait. (he stops as he realizes I have him 20 subway tokens and not 20 coins) Are you sure you want to give me this many coins? This is a lot."

"Yeah, you live her so you'll be able to use them. I bought them on accident."

"Oh the machine? yeah, people do that all the time. It don't give you change, just tokens". Ha. That made me laugh that I'm not the only stupid person in the world that lost a $20 dollar bill in the stupid token machine. And that he's not a totally desperate beggar taking whatever he can get.

Ok, that's all. I've really gotta go. But he starts following me again with this child-like curiosity. "Where you going? I'll help you out."

Yikes. now I'm starting to get nervous and imagine all the awful things that can happen with a big black man outside a subway at midnight. So quickly I call up my friend to find out where the hotel is, in hopes of deflecting his questions of where I'm going and looking busy and important. I start walking up the stairs with him following behind me, about 10 feet. He comments about how warm the corridor is and how he's surprised and he'll have to come back there sometime.

Shirene picks up the phone and quickly gives me simple directions (that she's already given me) and probably feels like I'm just being needy, as I already had gotten directions from her, not sensing the desperation from me to keep her on the phone. "Just ask someone where Race Street is".

As she hangs up, I'm left at 13th Ave looking for Race Street on the street corner at night. She told me I needed to ask someone where Race Street was. So I chance asking this man, as he had asked where I was going already several times, and I thought, it's worth a shot.

"Do you know where Race street is?"
"Yeah, it's that way", he says pointing to a tunnel.

Do I trust him? Well. What choice do I have? I have no idea where it is, and there's only 2 choices.
Stay there with him, or start walking. So I start walking the way he directs me. And he follows, talking all along.

Well. My brain tells me that this is a bad idea and I should dart into a bathroom or take a cab or something. But somehow my intuition says it's ok. And we're still in a pretty public place I figure. So we walk through the tunnel together, with him telling me about various things and asking simple questions.

"so where''s your family?" I ask.

"My mom is....well, you know...well she's senile. My aunt is too. My whole family."

"What about your dad?"

"What dad? I never seen him or talked to him. Well there was a step dad for awhile, but he's dead now." My heart sinks with saddness for him, beginning to recognize the absence of home and family and the life he's been trying to scrape out of the absence of family or role models.

"what about brothers or sisters?"

"I got no brothers or sisters."

"Your mom only had one child?"

"Well she was kind of bad when she was a girl. She had me when she was in prison, and then she didn't have any more after that. That I know of".

It begins to sink in to me that this is a real man with a history that would make it nearly impossible for someone like me to feel happy. And yet he was cheerful. But I was still cautious and curious about this man.

I ask about his work and he says he has medical problems, but he works a little. He asks me if I like chess. He says he plays chess at McDonalds in the morning when he gets coffee to warm up and he gets a little sleep too. He tells me he's planning on sleeping in the stairwell we came up on the way out of the subway. He usually just rides the subway all night and talks to people.

We come to my hotel and he still hasn't asked for money or a handout or anything. I say, "Well, this is it".

He says, "Well it was nice talkin' with ya. What's your name?" I'm still waiting with apprehension to see what he'll ask from me.

"Nicole. What's yours?"

"Bill. It's nice to meet you Nicole."

He opens the door for me, watches me walk in, waves, and walks away. I felt like suddenly I had just been totally cynical toward a loyal friend that was watching over me, and regretted my suspicion.

I went in to my bed and temporary lodging while my companion complained about our cramped quarters. He went back to wander on the subway and find warmth in the subway stairwell.

As I pondered for a minute after he left, I was a little ashamed of myself at the exchange, having expected the worst the whole time. I realized he didn't want anything from me. He just wanted company. And to be helpful. Maybe even protective of a lost young girl in the subway at midnight. His smile and gesture was so sincere. It was wise of me to be cautious, but I wish I had known and seen him more clearly before.

I am grateful for Bill for helping me to see more clearly all that I've been blessed with in my life. And for helping me to see the kindness of the human soul and challenging my arrogant ideas about what is important in life.