It's one of those days

Someone once said, your playing small doesn't serve the world.
I'm doing really good at not serving the world today. And recognizing how restricting personal securities are in being able to serve others.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've realized that very deeply, my insecurities are essentially selfish. My fears and insecurities turn my thoughts and energies inward and it affects everything- how I see the world, how I treat people, my motivations for friendships, etc.

While I was in DC in March (at the UN Conference on the Status of Women and for job interviews), due to the kindness of strangers, examples, and the tender mercies of the Lord, I felt briefly what it is like to live a life out of a motivation to serve others and to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. To forget about self, feeling the confidence that comes from the love of the Lord, and turning yourself outward. It has been a beautiful experience. And it's made me realize I need to re-orient my life. I want to re-orient my life to be more outwards and forgetting of myself.

I felt a surge of energy about this on Sunday, and committed to change my perspective and they motivation behind how I treat people to be more selfless. Sunday felt great.

But today is Monday. Back in Provo. End of the semester with a unknown future looming ahead. Today is harder. It's one of those days. I woke up not wanting to wake up and did some synchronized swimming moves under the blanket for like an hour. Then I got up and worked out, like a good girl. I read the Ensign and listened to conference talks. I said my prayers. And then I was not nice to my roommate on accident. :(

And she did my laundry, and made me breakfast and lunch and dropped me off at school. She's so good to me. But I still feel sad today. And if frustrates me. I'm just tired of being so inwardly focused on my hard times, but sometimes I feel powerless to change it- to get rid of the insecurity and sadness. I just hate that. I prayed so fervently yesterday that the Lord would heal my heart so that I can love more purely and selflessly. I had a glimmer of hope that one day I won't feel all the self-focused and anxious insecurity I feel so often.

Anyway, today is just a day of frustration with my own inadequacies. This too shall pass.