Setting the record straight

So I realize that, especially when I'm feeling down, I tend to think in very polarized terms. I am always this way, and I always do this, and people never do this, etc.

Well, I've realized it's just not true. So I need to correct the record on here and set things straight, for my own benefit as much as anyone else.

So for example, I do often feel like I need people around me. But not all the time. Not even 90% of the time. Only when I'm feeling vulnerable. And that can happen for extended periods of life, or just a day at a time. The last two weeks, while in New York and DC I felt an enthralling feeling of independence and happiness on my own. It was refreshing. I've realized I begin to sink in my life when there is an absence of a feeling of momentum. Of growing towards something bigger. That means, when graduation looms ahead and I don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm going to be, I start getting that pit in my stomach and begin to again feel those irrational fears of abandonment and feel empty inside.

Going to DC and New York was such a unexpected tender mercy for me. I felt like there is life outside of Provo. I was gently carried there and given such a perfect opportunity to thrive. It was a beautiful experience of tender mercies, of being carried, of being shown through quite whispers, of peace. So wonderful.

I've also begun to see that lots of people feel the way that I do, and I shouldn't pigeon-hole myself into a corner of extremism or such debilitating terms. Of course I have unique trials. Everyone does. But mine give me no more excuse for opting out on life than any one else. They don't excuse my opportunity to react with faith and not fear. They don't bind me to using people instead of acting with charity. They refine me and give me the opportunity to consecrate and work more on relying on the atonement.

I learned lots of lessons the last two weeks- some thanks to a good friend, and the echoes of many other good friends, who gently help me to see that there are some things about me that need to change and be worked on.


I am grateful. And at peace for now.