To be totally honest, I really don't have to cook this year because Michael is working tonight (thus sleeping all day) and I know he doesn't expect a Thanksgiving feast. But I just want to. I just revel so much in the fact that I finally have my own home and my own family and I can start my own traditions, and I just want to do it all. I want to get the experience of cooking all those wonderful savory foods. And something about cooking makes me feel like everything is good and right in the world. The smell of home cooked food is like the smell of love, and I love filling my house with savory smells.
So here I sit, with all my experiments in the oven and on the stove - a bagged turkey cooking, potatoes and yams boiling, a chocolate cream pie in the fridge and a cherry pie in the oven, stuffing and gravy on the way. Waiting for everything to emerge in its time. And I'm just so very grateful.
I am a little surprised today how peaceful I feel. You see, I've been secretly murmuring about Thanksgiving and Christmas this year because I knew that Michael's schedule meant he would have to work and that we wouldn't really get to spend the day with family or even with each other. It meant he would be sleeping for each of the holidays and I worried that I would feel alone or sad. And yet- I feel so much peace and contentment today. As I spend time doing something I love (cooking), with the man I love sleeping in the bedroom, I am entirely overcome by gratitude. My heart is touched at how much the Lord has blessed me this last year and how much I feel His love in my life.
It makes me feel introspective, because it's such a contrast to what my holidays have been like for so long- maybe I've almost come to expect loneliness on the holidays. For the last 10 years, holidays have been mostly a painful reminder of singleness- that I didn't have a family of my own, and that there's difference between family and friends. And although many kind people were always willing to invite and involve- I knew at the end of the day, I would go home to an empty apartment or home, and I was still ultimately alone.
I longed so deeply for my own family and traditions, and holidays served as the most poignant and painful reminder of the year that I didn't have that in my life. I began to dread the holidays each year, knowing it would mean that my roommates, friends and temporary family would all disappear to go to their real families and I would at some point be alone. I started long in advance of the year to try to make evasive plans, including cruises, travel with friends, or holiday plans with my family scattered across the US.
So it's surprising to me that this Thanksgiving, I find myself technically without family and friends, but yet I feel so much peace and joy.
I've been contemplating on the great blessings that I have been given to finally be able to start my own family by being married. It has created an anchor in my life that has created more peace and happiness than I could have ever imagined. Now, no matter the circumstances or disappointments, I no longer feel alone. Even when I am alone, I don't feel like it. I have someone to anchor to, someone to plan my life with, someone give meaning and purpose outside of myself, and it's just beautiful. Even in the most un-ideal circumstances, I am still so much more happy than I've ever been.
I don't want this post to be braggy, or especially sadden my many wonderful and amazing single friends who are still seeking marriage and family in their life. I am always mindful of their feelings because I spent so long in their shoes. And I am mindful that for many that Thanksgiving is a joyful day, but tinged with the melancholy feelings of loneliness or isolation. But I do want to bear witness of the blessing of marriage, and that it is part of God's plan for all of his children to enjoy such deep joy. ALL of his children can enjoy such peace and happiness, and his gospel is centered around the path to help get us there.
For a time in my life, I began to feel that my life could be just fine without being married and that I was sincerely happy. I had a fulfilling career making good money, was surrounded by a lot of amazing single friends that were doing fun things and meaningful things, and we had a lot of great adventures together. We made sort of a communal family together- we were all in this single state together so we might as well enjoy life together. It seemed like I could be happy with all the great adventures, jobs, and activities I could involve myself in as a single person. Of course, all of this without knowing firsthand what the contrast would be.
But now I see. Now I know. Even the most mundane, difficult and challenging married day is about a million times more meaningful than the best single day. I would have never known that had I given up on the ideal of marriage, or even worse, decided it was something not worth pursuing because my life wasn't there yet.
I think that's part of what faith is- believing that there is something better out there, and not giving up on it. Very often in life we find ourselves in a place that we didn't hope or intend or plan to be, and it seems like things just aren't working out the way we want or the way they were supposed to. We're "off plan"- the plan of the way we thought things should be. But we seem to be "off plan" for so long, we begin to question the wisdom and usefulness of the plan to begin with. Believing there is something better in the future, and that we can actually attain it takes trusting in something bigger than our own current life experience. And that is hard.
So we begin to question God's wisdom and the merit of trying to achieve something that keeps slipping out of our hands- whether marriage, a job, a baby, or whatever the worthy goal may be. We begin to convince ourselves that the ideal is out of reach, stupid, punishing, discriminatory or even harmful to our well-being. And then we begin to convince ourselves and others that our life is not only just as great but perhaps even better than those who reached the place that we once longed to be. We're tired of being punished so we spend our time justifying where we're at, instead of focusing on the goal. We do this as a defense mechanism, I think.
I will shortly begin working with a friend who runs a date coaching business for single adults. She was also single into her thirties, had a very successful marketing career, and suddenly found herself unhappy with her "successful" but very single life. She began focusing on applying her talents and abilities in being more intentional in obtaining marriage, and soon met and married her husband. She still lives in South Provo and is daily exposed to the lives of the thousands of successful mid-singles that live there (ages 30+), and sees their full and busy lives, but also their longing for marriage. She's developed principles of marketing and a conceptual framework to help singles be intentional about getting married and not feeling like a victim in their own lives. I'm so excited to start working with singles who have determined to do something different in their lives, and continue to work, focus, plan, and exercise faith in the pursuit of marriage. I can't imagine a better way to spend my time.
Anyway, all of this to say to my friends that feel alone on the holidays - I know your pain oh so well. And although it's hard to believe now, it will all be made up to you later. Don't give up. Don't give in. Just keep going. I know that holding onto that hope can be harder than just believing it won't ever happen. But I also know that we are meant for the joy found in families, not just the fun found in single life. That is God's plan for us, for all of us, and He will lead us there if we trust Him. And it's worth however long it takes and whatever sacrifices it requires to get there.
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