It was wonderful.
And Jeeves did a great job, considering we left with the check engine light on, the car loaded up with 3 bikes, 4 girls, and camping, biking, and climbing gear for 4 people. I'm so proud of my car! He was a trooper. And provided such great luxury while limping through the desert.
But what was more was the wonderful friend I made in the angel in my life named Alisa Rogers. The Lord does love us and is aware of our needs, but most the time he answers our prayers through other people.
I learned a powerful lesson this weekend. One that needs to be remembered.
In my addiction and detox of said PB, I have struggled immensely with confidence issues. Not only does every girl struggle with self confidence about being good enough in general, but with him in particular, I felt particularly helpless to do anything to improve the situation. Such is the case with any circumstance with un-returned interest, but PB was different. Our connection was unique to any other in my life. And deep and touching of my soul. I've never felt so connected to someone.
I don't know how else to describe it other than offering him the greatest and most precious parts of my soul, in a mutual sharing and caring relationship of support and synergy, only to have that offering not only devalued and rejected, but betrayed for a mess of pottage.
It created in me insecurities of not being attractive or beautiful. And even drastic and distorted ideas of surgeries and any means possible to conform to an illusionary form of beauty. I began to feel that not only PB but also my friends did not accept me, and while acknowledging the good in me, still secretly and quietly sought for something better. I began to turn inward and resentful of the unjust treatment.
In my addiction and detox of said PB, I have struggled immensely with confidence issues. Not only does every girl struggle with self confidence about being good enough in general, but with him in particular, I felt particularly helpless to do anything to improve the situation. Such is the case with any circumstance with un-returned interest, but PB was different. Our connection was unique to any other in my life. And deep and touching of my soul. I've never felt so connected to someone.
I don't know how else to describe it other than offering him the greatest and most precious parts of my soul, in a mutual sharing and caring relationship of support and synergy, only to have that offering not only devalued and rejected, but betrayed for a mess of pottage.
It created in me insecurities of not being attractive or beautiful. And even drastic and distorted ideas of surgeries and any means possible to conform to an illusionary form of beauty. I began to feel that not only PB but also my friends did not accept me, and while acknowledging the good in me, still secretly and quietly sought for something better. I began to turn inward and resentful of the unjust treatment.
On Saturday it dawned on me. On Saturday all that did not make sense began to. On Saturday it hit me in the stomach, and my world changed.
When I discovered the source of these deceptions and false reality, I was literal in shock. All of a sudden, all of the deceptions and distortions also became clear. All of the misunderstandings, the frustration, the angst, the insecurities, all were revealed in their shameful light. I realized I had been deceived and lied to. I felt I trusted someone I didn't know. I felt betrayed. And I felt angry.
For 2 days all I could feel and think about and try to disguise was my anger. By Sunday, it was completely overwhelming. I couldn't even sit in church. I just kept thinking over and over and over about the lie and about how it changed everything. I felt like a prisoner. I couldn't tell anyone. Nor did I want to. But the hurt and anger could not be contained.
I left the meeting and cried on the grass of a church lawn in Moab Utah. I cried about how hurt I was. And how alone I felt. I cried about how angry I was that someone I love had been a victim. And I cried for the person that I thought was my closest friend but who no longer existed. I cried because I still missed him.
Today is Monday. And every time there is a moment of quiet, it comes back into my mind. Like an addiction. And again I am angry and sad all over again.
I decided to talk to my bishop. About what to do with all these feelings. About all the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness, the abandonment, the loss of a companion and friend, the insecurities, the fear of trusting, of not knowing who is worthy.
He talked to me simply of forgiveness. Of true worth and worthiness. Of the Savior who too had experienced betrayal. Of my need to find peace through forgiveness. Of the truth of true change and not consigning someone to being either wholly good or wholly bad.
And just like that, a worthy servant, an instrument in the hands of God corrected my distorted perspective and quelled my fears. I became grounded again in love. And realized the need of forgiveness, not for him, but for me.
I need to trust and love the Lord more than I want to give into anger, sorrow, or victimization. I am bigger than those feelings. And while I was hurt and betrayed, it was much much less severe than it could have been.
My heart turns to gratitude to the Lord for protection. For safety. For warning. For the immediate blessings of obedience.
And slight personal gratification that I, for once in my life, placed the will of the Lord above a relationship. Praise be to God, change is possible.
For 2 days all I could feel and think about and try to disguise was my anger. By Sunday, it was completely overwhelming. I couldn't even sit in church. I just kept thinking over and over and over about the lie and about how it changed everything. I felt like a prisoner. I couldn't tell anyone. Nor did I want to. But the hurt and anger could not be contained.
I left the meeting and cried on the grass of a church lawn in Moab Utah. I cried about how hurt I was. And how alone I felt. I cried about how angry I was that someone I love had been a victim. And I cried for the person that I thought was my closest friend but who no longer existed. I cried because I still missed him.
Today is Monday. And every time there is a moment of quiet, it comes back into my mind. Like an addiction. And again I am angry and sad all over again.
I decided to talk to my bishop. About what to do with all these feelings. About all the hurt, the betrayal, the sadness, the abandonment, the loss of a companion and friend, the insecurities, the fear of trusting, of not knowing who is worthy.
He talked to me simply of forgiveness. Of true worth and worthiness. Of the Savior who too had experienced betrayal. Of my need to find peace through forgiveness. Of the truth of true change and not consigning someone to being either wholly good or wholly bad.
And just like that, a worthy servant, an instrument in the hands of God corrected my distorted perspective and quelled my fears. I became grounded again in love. And realized the need of forgiveness, not for him, but for me.
I need to trust and love the Lord more than I want to give into anger, sorrow, or victimization. I am bigger than those feelings. And while I was hurt and betrayed, it was much much less severe than it could have been.
My heart turns to gratitude to the Lord for protection. For safety. For warning. For the immediate blessings of obedience.
And slight personal gratification that I, for once in my life, placed the will of the Lord above a relationship. Praise be to God, change is possible.
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