Monday, May 11, 2009
Resolution
He called tonight at 9:30pm. I had been waiting all day and I knew it would happen, just not when. He called and sent a text. I had tried to busy myself with things all day in an effort to be independent. Church, talking to the family, dinner with the sister, niece and nephew, games, ward prayer, game night. But mostly I was just waiting. all day. for him.
I missed the call. But found it within an hour with a text, like a little present waiting in my coat pocket. It was delightful, like unwrapping a Christmas gift under the tree. I returned the call and he was asking about a vase for flowers. For me? I silently wondered. But did not allow myself the pleasure of indulging the thought long. that would have been pure bliss.
Then we talked. Sarcasm first- joking and playing like to puppy dogs that had been separated. Then down to business. We hadn't talked one on one in a few days. There was much! to say. About birthdays, friendships, charity and love, thoughts, experiences, processing of life.
I thought it would be a brief conversation and we would schedule another time. After all inside were other boys, opportunity costs that could not be wasted for a boy who was not willing to commit. Justin, John, Jim, Matt, Jeremy and many more. But I chose to keep talking, and all those other boys, they fell victim to the boy on the phone. One by one they left and would see me sitting there, outside, on that iron bench, talking on the phone instead of inside playing games. That's when I started realizing what opportunity cost really is.
After 1 hour, the game night was over, I was still talking to him, and I realized it was strange to continue talking in front of a strangers' house. I hung up and rode my pink scooter home in the night anticipating what would inevitably a delightful evening of conversation.
I turned on the fireplace, warmed my feet, and we spoke of friendship that warms the soul. He told me of his transformative processes of learning how to love people truly and to feel empathy for the first time. It was like watching a child discover his feet for the first time. While so obvious, still beautiful and enthraling. That's when the thought crossed my mind, perhaps I am in his life to help him discover his feet. The souls of individuals. After talking for awhile about friendship and the importance of people, I felt it was an appropriate opportunity to express the burder of friendship vs. wondering if there was potential with him. It's been on my mind for quite some time and has been causing me angst and hesitancy about the time I spend with him. Afterall, he already said he was not interested in dating. But had it changed? So curious how this boy would spend all of his time with me. It seemed he truly was growing in appreciation of who I was. I could feel his genuine human love.
Half the time I feel he's a hopeless cause, half the time I think he's the man of my dreams, worth fighting for. Most the time I spend trying to quiet my dramatic emotions, bridle my passions and heed the spirit. It has been most draining and quite weighty.
The weight that he knew nothing of himself. The difficulty of being so close to him and so emotionally invested with no return investment. The battle between serving selflessly and yet feeling the importance of pursuing relationships with potential.
It was delicately and well expressed, for both of us. The difference between a relationship orientation and a friendship orientation. We are from different planets. He is just learning to care for people genuinely outside himself. I am just learning to care about myself genuinely. For him, there is no emotional investment in his hours of time and interaction; just intrigue and appreciation. For me there is nothing that is not emotionally invested in my hours of time and interaction.
And then I realized, this needs to change.
That is a tragedy because he has become my best friend. Everything that I want and look for in a future relationship is in my relationship and friendship with him right now. I'm completely sold on him. And that doesn't happen often. That's worth searching the world over for. With one important stipulation: reciprocation.
So I ask him the all important question. Would there be, could there ever be a chance? His answer was simple and gentle. I've considered it. And no, I don't feel that way.
I cannot explain how mind blowing it is to understand and even experience the exact same interactions and to know someone so well, but to feel so differently about each other. It's simply fascinating. How I could spend all this time with him, head over heels. And he can spend that same time with me, simply enjoying the company. Venus and Mars.
I'm glad I'm learning though. And I'm glad it was earlier than later, before my emotions got completely away from me.
The problem still is, he's my best friend. And companion. And I will miss him and his company and his conversation immensely. It's risen the bar for everyone else ridiculously and unrealistically high, for which thing I am not thankful for. But I'll come back from la la Land soon I'm sure.
But I am sure grateful for himm. For the goodness he embodies, for who he is, for how he thinks, for how he's inspired me and the way he's helped me to learn how to love. I think I will continue to celebrate PB appreciation day every year on May 9th. What a good person to celebrate.
And meanwhile continue the great experiment of putting the Lord first in my life, and see if I've improved at all in trusting him. I'm convinced one day I will truly value Him and my relationship with him more than any other relationship in this world. And then, truly, my heart will be in the right place. To love Him, more than I love him. That is the great quest.
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