unsettled

unfulfilled, unsatisfied. UN. That's how I feel tonight.

Maybe it's the liquid/powder diet that I've been on for 4 days. It makes me grumpy, tired and emotional sometimes. Now I remember how it feels to be an infant.

Or maybe it's because I'm STILL dealing with my car situation, 2 months after the wreck, ans still paying out money for a car that still doesn't work.

Or perhaps because I am totally inlove with a boy who is content with spending all of this time with me with no thought of progression.


Who knows. All I know is that in this frame of mind, as a wise friend advised, it's not a good time to make decisions.



It was his birthday today. I made a list of 27 reasons why I appreciate him. To give him for his birthday. Considering how I usually do birthdays, I was impressed with my restraint in being low key. But then I decided not to give it to him. I keep having to remind myself I am NOT supposed to play that role, and I do not want to build that expectation in him.

He was ready to walk out the door and then he came back and gave me a hug. So sweet. He's learning well. Yet he has no idea the constant agony he causes me. I think it's time.

He asked me one night if I've ever felt sorrow for him or cried over him. If he only knew. I decided it was wise not to tell him.

I just wish I could know I could trust him. That I could depend on him to be there and care. That I could know that he sincerely cared about me.

one day...